Decision making aggravates an inner stress from inside me that causes me to experience a turmoil of anxiety, confusion, and that wishy-washy back and forth "should I do this... or should I do that?".. along with nagging every person I talk to on "what would you do if you were me?" and "are you sure you would do that", and "no but really??!".. because if someone else could just make the decision for me, it would be only that much easier. But no matter what decision someone else suggests, it just never feels like the right one.
So here is my story. My recent HUGE decision that engulfed me for months and stressed me out for a time period that felt like eons. Maybe you would have done something different. Maybe you wouldn't have had a second thought on what you would have done. Maybe it's stupid. Maybe it's not that big of a deal really. Well it felt like a humongous deal to me. A weight on my shoulders that I'm glad is finally gone. Here's my decision making story. Although you may or may not encounter a similar decision in YOUR life.. I hope the moral of my end choice and why I made it may help you choose what's right in your future endeavors. Or maybe you'll want to NOT be like me.. and choose the opposite. Either way.. I hope it helps (or is mildly interesting).
So in my situation, I had the decision of accepting or declining an amazing job opportunity. It may not be necessarily a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.. but with the competition and difficulty of getting jobs in my field, it's always been hard for me to give up opportunities I have received, although I've had to do it more than once. It's been easier to give up a job option though when I had another one to go to that offered a better fit for me at that time.
But this time is different. I guess because being a "zookeeper" would have been the type of job everyone who knows me well would picture me doing, because of my long passion and obsession for animals of all kinds. The idea of giving up the chance to work with and care for exotic species depressed me. I knew this was the type of job I could walk into every day with a smile on my face.. not the type of job I have worked where each and every day is utterly exhausting and the feeling of wanting the day to end is contagious to everyone in the workplace. This was the type of job people have to fight for to get an unpaid internship or volunteer position doing... and I actually got a decent-paying position. So naturally, when offered the 6 month position I took it, assuming I would start soon. But then, while the paperwork process took nearly 2 months, a LOT changed. My fiance received his dream position of a Master's program at University of Florida shortly after I was offered a job at the zoo. This was exciting news for us both.. but the his position starts during the summer.. through which I would still be working at the zoo, leaving me living in New Jersey for 3 months while my newly wedded husband would be in Florida. I mean, Josh and I have done the long distance thing before without an issue, but I can imagine it will be different that immediately after getting married in June and rushing down to Florida to move in/trying to accommodate some kind of honeymoon into a short period of time I could get off from work, that I would have to travel 1,000 miles away to continue my job for another 3 months. I began to feel that the excitement of getting married just a couple months from now was now something I dreaded.. because shortly after I knew we would be separated. I'm independent.. but being apart from the person who has been there for me, done everything for me, and been literally my best friend for the past 3 and half years would be hard. This was the decision-making stress that overcame me for a few days before having to get back to them with a definite answer. After picking the brains of everyone I care about, with a majority of them telling me to give up the job and a few with strong persuasion telling me to keep it, I decided to keep the job. An awesome opportunity may come once, but we would have our whole lives to live together. This was fine, this was okay, I was still unsure but accepted this as a smart choice. I felt that if I decided to give up the job I would feel even more unsure with my decision, because I didn't want to lose the opportunity.
Then, Josh and I planned a last minute trip to Florida (because although I STILL didn't get a start date from the zoo, I figured it could be any time soon so I better travel while I still could) to check out the campus and plan our living arrangements. Things went downhill from there in my emotional, confused and mind-game playing brain that caused me to fall in love with Gainesville and everything there. This was a surprise, because the city was far from what I expected. I was a little afraid I wouldn't even like it there... possibly fueling my desire to stay in Jersey for a bit longer. But since I love Gainesville.. I couldn't picture Josh moving there without me, and couldn't see him starting his new life in a strange new place without the physical support of his wife there with him. The area is even filled with opportunities for me too. I did a 360 and decided I had to give up the job. I felt guilty.. and thought maybe I was taking the easy way out by quitting a job I didn't even start yet. I have never "quit" at anything, I have always been independent and strong enough to persevere. But I realized... it isn't what's "easy" it's what's right in my heart. I would LOVE the zoo.. both the excitement and challenges it would bring, but working there for 3 months and likely suffering inside because I would be too far to see or be with my new husband while he started an entirely new chapter of his life, and would be forced to do it all on his own. Josh and I are both incredibly independent people, but marriage and moving are 2 big excitements that I would rather share together, right when they happen. Being separated isn't how most people picture their initial months of being newly-weds. With the additional guilt of being unreliable to the job, by telling them so late in the hiring process I wanted to decline, it didn't matter because I knew that I had to just be honest to them and to myself, that in the next 3 months of planning a wedding, AND a move... starting a new full-time job may not be in their or my best interest.
So I was at ease and sure this was the right choice. I believe in fate. I believe things were meant to happen for a reason. I assumed that the delay in starting me on the job was designed to give me the time I needed to make the "right" choice. And now I was certain. Because I never even heard from them yet, and it had been past the 3 month time frame I told myself was unacceptable to be apart from Josh. But then.... arriving home in NJ to an official acceptance letter sitting in the mailbox for the entire week we were away... it completely broke me down. I could have gotten it earlier in the week and be good to start now, being done 3 months after Josh and I get married. I told myself if it was more than 3 months, I had to say no. But now it was okay. Was that a sign? Was it sitting there, because it was telling me the opportunity is now ready to begin and that taking it is the right choice? I had already made a choice in my mind and convinced myself that giving it up was right, but what helped me decide that was that they were taking forever. But now they did their end so I had to do my end.
The form said I had to contact them within 5 days to accept. The 5 days had passed. Was that a sign? I called and it was still okay for me to accept the job. But I had to decline. I didn't know what the "signs" meant, I didn't know what was "meant" to be, and I didn't know what was really "right". But I did know what felt right. It wasn't fair to anyone if I took the job. An amazing opportunity, but at the wrong timing in my life. If it's really "meant to be" (if that's what you believe), then an opportunity like it or better will come again, and at a time it will work out. With the likelihood of divorce excluded (we are pretty sure that won't be us.. although I'm sure even divorcees have said that... I promise it won't be us...), getting married happens once in our lives. I need to focus on that, and focus on us. I'm slightly heartbroken for losing a cool job, but there will be other. I should be allowed to be excited for us to start a new life in Gainesville together. I'm excited to move together, without a rush, to finish our SCUBA cert in Ft. Myers a week later, and then hit up the keys for an unforgettable honeymoon. Because of the flexibility, we can do all of that now and I won't have a worry on my mind.
I want to thank the entire community of people in my life who personally invested themselves in my dilemma and in trying to help me make a decision. A network of people who love you is one of the most important factors in making a choice. Because not only will they be honest in what they think is best for you... BUT despite what they think you should do, they will support your choice no matter what it is. One of these people was Josh. Of course, he preferred I moved with him, but he wanted me to do what was best for me. I knew I couldn't do that.. I had to choose what was best for us.
You also really need to weigh your pros and cons when making a decision. Chart it out. List the options. Then list the pros and cons of each. Which group of benefits is greater? Which set of costs is worse? See if that helps. My initial chart indicated that taking the job was the best option. But my heart didn't agree later on.
A good friend told me to flip a coin. It personally didn't work for me because I was too emotionally invested in both options that I was unhappy with heads and with tails. She said to assign each side of the coin to an option. Convince yourself this coin flipping will determine what you HAVE to choose. Flip it, and see if you're happy with the choice. Sometimes, the moment of uncertainty when the coin is in midair, is what will make you realize what you're really hoping for. This will help determine the heartfelt choice.. and if you can't make a decision based on pros and cons then you have to follow your heart. Now that I've had enough time to think about it, and visit our new home together, I can honestly hope for the coin to land on one side over the other.
If you STILL don't know.. like me, then give it time. Whether it's a huge decision based on an important time in your life that other people SHOULD be able understand, or not, they need to give you time to choose. Rushed decisions will not end with the truest and best results. Give yourself the time you need until you are entirely sure.. and tell them they have to wait. Too bad. It's time to put yourself first and do what's best for YOU! It took me a long time to realize that, but after learning and going by it, I now live much easier and happier when I don't let others walk all over me and jerk me around.
Your dilemma might be minor. It might be major. It might mean nothing to everyone else but the world to you. It really doesn't matter, because the end result should be something YOU are happy with. Asking others for help is great, and may help you decide, but you'll learn later on that if it really wasn't a choice you made yourself then it's the wrong one. You're the only one that needs to live with the results of the choice you make, so make it for YOU and only you!
Just let it go. Either way, life will continue, you'll still be breathing and you'll adapt to the change. If life will not continue and you will not be breathing any more based on a choice you make.. well then I'd say do NOT make that choice.
Remember that life throws challenges our way. If you never had to make a choice and life was planned out for you, then there would be less value in living. Less purpose, less to contribute and less to make of your own life if you can't control it. Be thankful and remember how blessed you are to have the ability to make choices. Some people do not have the privileges you do and are not able to make their own decisions. So don't ever be a slave to yourself or anyone else... you are free to be happy... so allow yourself to be!
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